we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
