if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
