3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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