DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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