Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
