Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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