I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
