youre lurking in front of me
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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