hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
