He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
