I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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