C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Randomize
