sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
