Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
