my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
