Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I need moral support for this bender
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
ok first of all what the fuck
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
