i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
