if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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