I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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