My pussy is not your playground.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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