You just made me feel so damn special
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
