It's like God shit irony all over that family
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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