u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
