I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
