If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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