don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
