Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
