he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
