just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
