Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
