Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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