You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
