did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
