I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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