I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if only i could text you this smell
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
