i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
