Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
