hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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