Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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