It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
