hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
