I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
