So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he wants to bone in the snuggie
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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