Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
