I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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