Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
