Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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