break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
