plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
