You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
