I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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