How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
