And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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